Last week on January 27, 2010 famed author and hermit Jerome David Salinger died in his home in New Hampshire at the age of 91.  As a small group of Salinger’s aging fans waited outside Cornish Medical Center, the Chief Coroner, Doctor Stanley Marcus emerged to give a statement regarding the author’s death.

“Well, having been a big J. D. Salinger fan myself, I thought that it would be a great tribute to the man if I read his autopsy report in the style of Holden Caulfield!’ Dr. Marcus announced.

“The first time I met J. D. Salinger, he had just been unpacked from the freezer and was being wheeled in by some collage intern who had never even heard of the man and only remembered The Catcher In The Rye because he had used it for emergency toilet paper one weekend while camping with his girlfriend.  His skin reminded me of the seat of this abandoned car down the street that the local homeless people use for an outhouse but the good thing about doing an autopsy on a guy with that many liver spots is how it makes such an excellent ‘connect-the-dots’ pattern for my incisions!”

Dr. Marcus then paused to drink some water as his audience stared silently with wide eyes and open mouths.

“Speaking of incisions,” he continued.  “We were out of scalpels so I had to cut the guy open with the lid of an old sardine can and when that finally broke, I finished hacking through the sternum with a rusty claw hammer that I found hanging in the janitor’s closet; man what a workout!” the Chief Coroner exclaimed while wiping his brow.

“Anyways, on to the cause of death.  It was clear from the beginning that asphyxiation was involved and after considering the odd position of the body when it was discovered, it is my conclusion that Mr. Salinger choked to death while attempting to fellate himself.  This may seem like an odd end for a man who was once so obsessed with yoga, but I find it fitting that genitals were the last thing he saw since every character the man created was a total dick!  Badaboom!”

Dr. Marcus then paused for laughter but the only response was a low gurgle of despair followed by the spontaneous face-melting of any Salinger fan not already engaged in a ‘healing circle.’

“Wow, tough crowd!” Dr. Marcus exclaimed.

Later that day, those Salinger fans that had survived the news of their idol’s death were asked for comment.

“The glue of the world has come undone!” cried Kathy Starkey from Lakewood, Colorado.  “What kind of cruel, unfair world do we live in when a 91 year-old malcontent who hasn’t written anything in 45 years can be taken from us so unexpectedly!”

Her husband, Jim Starkey shared his wife’s feelings.  “What is most shocking to me is that more people haven’t slit their wrists or at the very least, collapsed to the ground in a quivering heap at the mere thought of life without J. D!

The Starkey’s who are former teachers and part-time douche-bag box cover models consider themselves “the greatest Salinger fans who ever lived.”

“We have his face tattooed on our genitals!” exclaimed Mrs. Starkey.  “That way it’s like Salinger is kissing himself every time we make love!”

When asked why anyone should care about a dead malcontent and his tedious characters who whine endlessly about their own self-destruction, Mr. Starkey’s ears perked up and he hopped excitedly from foot to foot as he prepared to explain.

“What J. D. Salinger did was to make it cool to rebel against all those things that imprison the human soul; things like pride, self-esteem, a work ethic and respect for others!  We enlightened ones know that the real way to change the world is to sit back and complain about how phony everyone is while waiting for Tinker Bell to come along and magically end all war!”

Mr. Starkey continued to explain while doing his best to hide the erection he had sported the moment someone asked him a question about J. D. Salinger.

“Most of all, we owe Salinger a great debt by allowing people who are complete genetic failures to at least appear cool to naive high school students and score with gullible hippy chicks that throw their legs open for every guru that babbles about the ‘meaning of life!  WE’LL MISS YOU JD!”

As Climate-Change deniers continue to cite the blizzards in the northeastern US as proof that every scientist on earth is part of a liberal conspiracy against the Baby Jesus, up in Vancouver, Canada, current host of the 2010 Winter Olympics and region formerly known as the “The Great White North’ there has not been a flake all year..

With no time to move south to a more arctic region such as New Jersey, the Olympic Committee has been forced to improvise in order to save the 2010 games.

“The idea first came to me when I saw those poor saps trying to make a practice run down the rocky, barren slopes of “Iceberg Mountain,” said Count Jacques Rogge, President of the International Olympic Committee.  “It was like watching Pee Wee Herman run through a minefield with all the bodies bouncing off rocks and flopping through the air!  Incredibly, the team actually managed to cross, or rather bounce across the finish line and as they were being carted away to enjoy a lengthy stay in our free Socialized health-care system, I thought to myself, “Now there’s something that people would tune-in to watch!”

Running with this bold, new idea, Count Rogge held a midnight brainstorming session to redesign winter sports for Canada’s new balmy and snowless climate.

“First we have Ice Hockey, the Count explained.  “Since there’s no ice anymore, we decided to replace the skates with six-inch cleats and swap the hockey sticks for Scottish Claymores!”

The Count was then asked what purpose such a dangerous sport could have to which he replied, “Well, it’s the same purpose that Ice Hockey had; to watch a bunch of guys %@#$ each other up!”

Count Rogge then outlined his plans for several other events.

“The figure skating competition we simply integrated into the Gay Pride Festival since that’s where it belongs, while competitors in the Speed Skating event will now be strapped to rockets as they race towards the finish line in what is now called “The Wile E. Coyote Dash.”

When asked how competitors strapped to rockets would be able to stop, the Count said, “Oh don’t worry, the concrete wall at the end of the race will take care of that.”

Moving past the recently redesigned “Rock-Sledding Course, the Count revealed other recently redesigned mountain sports.

Here we have the Ski Jump, or as I like to call it now, ‘The Long-Distance Ground-Kiss.’  It involves placing the skier in a medieval catapult and launching them off the side of a cliff for distance!  Who says that Global Warming is unprofitable!”

As planet Earth held its breath in anticipation, Tiger Woods apologized for the recent antics of his penis.

“Like most rich and famous people, I felt that I was entitled to do whatever I wanted for the indescribably hard work of going out into the warm, summer weather and tapping a little ball into a hole for millions of dollars.” Mr. Woods announced.    “Despite my clever attempts to keep things discreet such as kissing my mistresses in public and leaving incriminating voice messages on their phones, I was unable to maintain the cover- up and now that I’ve been caught, BOY AM I SORRY!”

The estimates of the number of Tiger Woods’ mistress run from nine to seventeen or more “And we’re going to give headline news attention to every one of them!” vowed CNN spokesman Matthew Furman.  “Unlike other so-called ‘news’ agencies that cover boring things like war and economic collapse, we at CNN know that the life of every American revolves around the scandals of celebrities and thus it is our solemn duty to throw as much slop into the pig-trough as possible!”

Afterwards, Tiger Woods’ mother,  Kultida Woods had plenty to say about the recent tribulations of her son.

“I am upset at the way the media treated him, like he’s a criminal,” she said.  “After all, someone who makes more money playing a single game of golf that some people make in a lifetime shouldn’t have to be scolded for repeatedly cheating on his wife and lying to his fans.  The peasants don’t have to go through this when they cheat so why should we??!”

Meanwhile from her snakehole in Los Angeles, California, professional shrill Gloria Allred emerged, brought forth by the scent of sleaze and lawsuit money.  With leech-like precision, she quickly attached herself to one of Tiger Woods mistresses, former porn actress Veronica Siwik-Daniels

“My client is the real victim in all of this!” she cried.  “She was misled by Mr. Woods into believing that she was the only mistress in his life; how dare he cheat on the person he was cheating with!”

Ms. Allred then gathered her coils about her before continuing.

“By treating this porn actress like some kind of whore, my client is scarred for life and there is nothing that can ever change that . . . except for several million dollars, of course!”

Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren could not be reached for comment as she had sealed herself in a soundproof rocket chamber and launched herself into the farthest reaches of space where, to her dismay, the paparazzi were already waiting for her.