Last week on January 27, 2010 famed author and hermit Jerome David Salinger died in his home in New Hampshire at the age of 91. As a small group of Salinger’s aging fans waited outside Cornish Medical Center, the Chief Coroner, Doctor Stanley Marcus emerged to give a statement regarding the author’s death.
“Well, having been a big J. D. Salinger fan myself, I thought that it would be a great tribute to the man if I read his autopsy report in the style of Holden Caulfield!’ Dr. Marcus announced.
“The first time I met J. D. Salinger, he had just been unpacked from the freezer and was being wheeled in by some collage intern who had never even heard of the man and only remembered The Catcher In The Rye because he had used it for emergency toilet paper one weekend while camping with his girlfriend. His skin reminded me of the seat of this abandoned car down the street that the local homeless people use for an outhouse but the good thing about doing an autopsy on a guy with that many liver spots is how it makes such an excellent ‘connect-the-dots’ pattern for my incisions!”
Dr. Marcus then paused to drink some water as his audience stared silently with wide eyes and open mouths.
“Speaking of incisions,” he continued. “We were out of scalpels so I had to cut the guy open with the lid of an old sardine can and when that finally broke, I finished hacking through the sternum with a rusty claw hammer that I found hanging in the janitor’s closet; man what a workout!” the Chief Coroner exclaimed while wiping his brow.
“Anyways, on to the cause of death. It was clear from the beginning that asphyxiation was involved and after considering the odd position of the body when it was discovered, it is my conclusion that Mr. Salinger choked to death while attempting to fellate himself. This may seem like an odd end for a man who was once so obsessed with yoga, but I find it fitting that genitals were the last thing he saw since every character the man created was a total dick! Badaboom!”
Dr. Marcus then paused for laughter but the only response was a low gurgle of despair followed by the spontaneous face-melting of any Salinger fan not already engaged in a ‘healing circle.’
“Wow, tough crowd!” Dr. Marcus exclaimed.
Later that day, those Salinger fans that had survived the news of their idol’s death were asked for comment.
“The glue of the world has come undone!” cried Kathy Starkey from Lakewood, Colorado. “What kind of cruel, unfair world do we live in when a 91 year-old malcontent who hasn’t written anything in 45 years can be taken from us so unexpectedly!”
Her husband, Jim Starkey shared his wife’s feelings. “What is most shocking to me is that more people haven’t slit their wrists or at the very least, collapsed to the ground in a quivering heap at the mere thought of life without J. D!
The Starkey’s who are former teachers and part-time douche-bag box cover models consider themselves “the greatest Salinger fans who ever lived.”
“We have his face tattooed on our genitals!” exclaimed Mrs. Starkey. “That way it’s like Salinger is kissing himself every time we make love!”
When asked why anyone should care about a dead malcontent and his tedious characters who whine endlessly about their own self-destruction, Mr. Starkey’s ears perked up and he hopped excitedly from foot to foot as he prepared to explain.
“What J. D. Salinger did was to make it cool to rebel against all those things that imprison the human soul; things like pride, self-esteem, a work ethic and respect for others! We enlightened ones know that the real way to change the world is to sit back and complain about how phony everyone is while waiting for Tinker Bell to come along and magically end all war!”
Mr. Starkey continued to explain while doing his best to hide the erection he had sported the moment someone asked him a question about J. D. Salinger.
“Most of all, we owe Salinger a great debt by allowing people who are complete genetic failures to at least appear cool to naive high school students and score with gullible hippy chicks that throw their legs open for every guru that babbles about the ‘meaning of life! WE’LL MISS YOU JD!”
