Tragedy struck SeaWorld of Orlando as killer-whale trainer Dawn Brancheau became the third victim of the infamous “Sea World Ripper.”

Coleen Garcia, a witness at the scene reported what she saw.
“The announcer was just telling us how killer whales are actually kind and gentle vegetarians that eat tofu and shoot rainbows out of their asses when Tilikum, the big male grabbed the trainer in his jaws and dragged her underwater.  At first I thought that something was wrong but the announcer quickly informed us that when Tilikum chomps down on someone and thrashes them around the tank for half an hour, it’s just his way of showing how much he loves humans!”

At some point during the show that SeaWorld is now calling “The Jonah Experience, ” Mrs.  Brancheau was killed but despite the presence of nearly fifty witnesses, no one saw anybody else in the tank.

Jim Atchison, president of SeaWorld Parks & Entertainment, launched his own investigation and vowed not to rest until blame had been assigned to someone not associated with Sea World.

“My first observation is how this case bears an eerie resemblance to the last two murders,” he said.  “In 1999, a man who sneaked into the park after hours was found dead in Tilikum’s tank and yet the security camera’s recorded nothing except the two of them frolicking as Tilikum playfully smashed the man’s head against the tank over and over.  Then there was the case in 1991 where Tilicum and two other orcas were playing “Bouncy Ball” with one of their trainers using her body as the ball when after a mere 45 minutes of this, she turned up dead with all of her bones mysteriously broken.”

Mr. Atchison then paused to sodomize another family for the price of admission to SeaWorld before continuing.

“Since only the victims and the the orcas were present during each the killings and since orcas are wise, leprechaun-loving souls that adore captivity, my conclusion is that we are dealing with an extra-terrestrial killer equipped with a cloaking device; like in that movie, Predator!  As of tomorrow, everyone will start looking for a Predator and we can resume selling tickets to orca shows and feeding . . . err I mean assigning more trainers to Tilikum!”

Bill Avery, a safety consultant based in Maitland, Fla., commented about SeaWorld’s investigation.  “Yeah, the identity of this killer is a whale of a mystery,” he said.  “But I think that if they dig long enough, the answer will appear before them in black-and-white!”