In a generous outpouring of Christian love, Evangelist Pat Robertson blamed the devastating earthquake in Haiti on the Haitians themselves and a pact their ancestors supposedly made with Satan in 1791 to rid themselves of the French.

“You see it was like this,” Robertson explained on his show ‘The 700 Club.  “The Haitians were under the heel of the French. You know, Napoleon III and whatever, and they got together and swore a pact to the devil. They said, ‘We will serve you if you will get us free from the French.’ True story. And so, the devil said, ‘OK, it’s a deal.’”

“I know this because I was there!” Robertson continued.  “That’s right, I am over 200 years old and have been kept alive this entire time by the blood of children which I crave with an unholy thirst!  Also God talks to me in my head but it’s in that weird trombone voice that Charlie Brown’s teacher uses.  Wah! Wah! Waaahh! Wah!  What’s that God?  Incest is OK if everyone around you is a homosexual?  I’ll be sure to pass that along!”

In response, Satan, Lord of the Pit and Master of Evil held his own press conference.

“OK first of all let me state for the record that I did NOT cause the earthquake in Haiti!”  the Dark One announced.  “Oh wait, everything I say is a lie so maybe I’m supposed to say that I DID cause it if I mean that I really didn’t.  Hrm, then again, the fact that I can even SAY the phrase ‘everything I say is a lie’ means that I everything I say is NOT always a lie so maybe the first statement was OK after all.  Argh!  I wish there was a ‘How To’ manual for this Dark Lord thing!”

“Anyways,” Satan continued.  “I know that I’m supposed to revel in the pain and suffering of you mortal worms but I think that by creating Pat Robertson I may have gone too far!  In my defense, I was under a lot of pressure to top Joseph Stalin and I still had Charles Manson to work on plus I was taking a lot of Vicodin for my back problem and Robertson just sort of slipped through the cracks!”

When asked why even he could allow something as utterly vile as Pat Robertson to continue existing, Satan replied, “I never imagined that it would go on this long!  Hey, when you accidentally release a retarded monkey into the jungle, you don’t expect all the other monkeys to make him their king and give him all their bananas!”