J. D. SALINGER FINALLY DIES! FOUR GENERATIONS OF HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS REJOICE!!!
Last week on January 27, 2010 famed author and hermit Jerome David Salinger died in his home in New Hampshire at the age of 91. As a small group of Salinger’s aging fans waited outside Cornish Medical Center, the Chief Coroner, Doctor Stanley Marcus emerged to give a statement regarding the author’s death.
“Well, having been a big J. D. Salinger fan myself, I thought that it would be a great tribute to the man if I read his autopsy report in the style of Holden Caulfield!’ Dr. Marcus announced.
“The first time I met J. D. Salinger, he had just been unpacked from the freezer and was being wheeled in by some collage intern who had never even heard of the man and only remembered The Catcher In The Rye because he had used it for emergency toilet paper one weekend while camping with his girlfriend. His skin reminded me of the seat of this abandoned car down the street that the local homeless people use for an outhouse but the good thing about doing an autopsy on a guy with that many liver spots is how it makes such an excellent ‘connect-the-dots’ pattern for my incisions!”
Dr. Marcus then paused to drink some water as his audience stared silently with wide eyes and open mouths.
“Speaking of incisions,” he continued. “We were out of scalpels so I had to cut the guy open with the lid of an old sardine can and when that finally broke, I finished hacking through the sternum with a rusty claw hammer that I found hanging in the janitor’s closet; man what a workout!” the Chief Coroner exclaimed while wiping his brow.
“Anyways, on to the cause of death. It was clear from the beginning that asphyxiation was involved and after considering the odd position of the body when it was discovered, it is my conclusion that Mr. Salinger choked to death while attempting to fellate himself. This may seem like an odd end for a man who was once so obsessed with yoga, but I find it fitting that genitals were the last thing he saw since every character the man created was a total dick! Badaboom!”
Dr. Marcus then paused for laughter but the only response was a low gurgle of despair followed by the spontaneous face-melting of any Salinger fan not already engaged in a ‘healing circle.’
“Wow, tough crowd!” Dr. Marcus exclaimed.
Later that day, those Salinger fans that had survived the news of their idol’s death were asked for comment.
“The glue of the world has come undone!” cried Kathy Starkey from Lakewood, Colorado. “What kind of cruel, unfair world do we live in when a 91 year-old malcontent who hasn’t written anything in 45 years can be taken from us so unexpectedly!”
Her husband, Jim Starkey shared his wife’s feelings. “What is most shocking to me is that more people haven’t slit their wrists or at the very least, collapsed to the ground in a quivering heap at the mere thought of life without J. D!
The Starkey’s who are former teachers and part-time douche-bag box cover models consider themselves “the greatest Salinger fans who ever lived.”
“We have his face tattooed on our genitals!” exclaimed Mrs. Starkey. “That way it’s like Salinger is kissing himself every time we make love!”
When asked why anyone should care about a dead malcontent and his tedious characters who whine endlessly about their own self-destruction, Mr. Starkey’s ears perked up and he hopped excitedly from foot to foot as he prepared to explain.
“What J. D. Salinger did was to make it cool to rebel against all those things that imprison the human soul; things like pride, self-esteem, a work ethic and respect for others! We enlightened ones know that the real way to change the world is to sit back and complain about how phony everyone is while waiting for Tinker Bell to come along and magically end all war!”
Mr. Starkey continued to explain while doing his best to hide the erection he had sported the moment someone asked him a question about J. D. Salinger.
“Most of all, we owe Salinger a great debt by allowing people who are complete genetic failures to at least appear cool to naive high school students and score with gullible hippy chicks that throw their legs open for every guru that babbles about the ‘meaning of life! WE’LL MISS YOU JD!”
I tried reading that book, but the stink of angst was so fetid, it made my eyeballs vomit!
…Mr. Salinger, you will (not) be missed.
(If you want a better portrayal of teenage mindset, Breakfast Club is 30 years old and still works. Go figure. O o)
Oh, yes, my apologies, it’s the same Froggy, I just changed e-mails.
Cheers!
~Faffer’s biggest fan.
When I heard that J.D. Salinger had finally croaked I laughed like a kid at Christmas time! I too had to suffer through his tiresome writings in collage, waiting for something to happen or some character that I could give a shit about to finally emerge but . . . nothing, just endless angst by a self-destructive loser who can’t get laid.
What really pisses me off is that my friend, who was lucky enough not to get some burned-out hippy, pseudo-intellectual, loser for a teacher got to read Lord of the Rings for her class!
Why anyone would chose to teach Salinger’s literary diarrhea over such epic books as The Lord of the Rings is a mystery to me unless it’s the fact that Tolkien’s characters actually DO something while Holden Caulfield can only whine about how long his thumbnail is while he shoves it up his own ass.
Worst of all, the people who teach Salinger are so fooking self-righteous you just want to jam a pencil in their eye but it’s funny how they fall apart when Salinger gets criticized or other people don’t share their enthusiasm for this hack. Here’s hoping my teacher gets brain cancer along with these Starkey people if they actually exist!
BURN IN HELL J. D. SALINGER!!!!
Lord of the Rings?! Hot damn, now that’s good literature.
Now, while I myself have not read LOTR (yet.), I will most definitely claim it as a great piece of literature.
My only complaint is that thanks to Tolkien, not a soul knows how to write an original fantasy novel, and if I have to read about stern, hippie, nature-protecting, stick up the arse elves ONE MORE TIME, I will dig up Salinger and eat his eyeballs with a spork!
HAhahahahaha. I made it to old age without reading one word of his books.
I LOVE the originality of _everything_ on your web site!!!!
You are all such hypocrites. If any of you would have not been so half-assed and finished the damn book The Catcher In The Rye, you would know that you are similar to that of Salinger’s main charecter, Holden Caulfield in that you are all clearly failures at life who are just spending your time doing meaninless bullshit such as slamming everything you find pointless, such as certain people or society perhaps. Instead of wasting away your lives, which are so pathetic that you would rather complain about a book rather than finish it, what are you, twelve years old, you could just stop being such ignorant neanderthals and just finish the damn thing before ridiculing it so that you can actually sound like you know what you’re talking about and are not in fact at the reading level of that of a first grade elementary student. Hell, if you want to take the exra step and be even more committed to your opinion, not only finish this excellent novel, but also try writing a book of your own and see how simple it is for people like yourselves to destroy your hard work. J.D. Salinger was one of the greatest writers of all time. Depite many libraries and schools banning his book for being the first to contain foul langusge (for you cavemen- FUCK and such) Salinger persisted in ensuring that those out there who are against society would have something to cling to in which they could bind together and hopefully one day change this corrupted world we live in. But no, instead those who should be rallying behind him instead choose to prove just how truly idiotic they are by not even finishing his masterpiece and slandering against this great leader. You hate Salinger yet you hate Society, kind of a double standard isn’t it dumbfucks? GO READ THE DAMN BOOK FOR ONCE INSTEAD OF HAVING JOCKSRAPS FOR BRAINS!
Hey douchebag, if you knew how to pay attention then you would have seen that I said that I had to suffer through his tiresome books in collage – that’s right EVERY ONE OF THEM! I read everything that J.D. Dumbass wrote and I hated each one more than the last! It is funny to see you go on such a tirade because that’s exactly what I also said in my last comment, how Salinger fans “are so fooking self-righteous you just want to jam a pencil in their eye but it’s funny how they fall apart when Salinger gets criticized or other people don’t share their enthusiasm for this hack.”
Here are all the ways that your goofy little comment proves my point.
1) You say we are all failures at life and yet you know nothing about any of us. OH NO, AN AD HOMINEM ATTACK!!! THERE’S NO DEFENSE AGAINST THAT!! Oh wait, there is and it’s called facts. Ad Hominem is always the last resort of people with no real arguement and/or who are idiots so right away your message is, “Hi, I’m stupid and can’t argue.”
2) You criticize us for spending our time “doing meaninless (learn to spell by the way) bullshit such as slamming everything you find pointless.” Wow that is truly one of the most idiotic statements I have ever heard! How do you think bad things get fixed, smarty? Maybe we could all be like your hero Holden and wait for someone to do it for us and then cry when the Fairy Godmother doesn’t appear.
3) You claim that because we don’t like Salanger that makes us dumb and must read at a first grade level etc etc. Beside being more Ad Hominim bullshit, you again fail to note that we talk about The Lord of the Rings which is a brilliantly constructed masterpiece that non-hippies professors sometimes teach. If you have not read LOTR then you probably shouldn’t because from the way you argue, it would probably melt your brain.
4) Next you resort to the tired, ‘you couldn’t do better’ argument which is another sign of a person that has been outmaneuvered and is lashing out in desperation. I don’t have to be a master chef to critisize a cook when he brings me a plate of fried sewer rat. By your logic, you can’t critisize Glen Beck because you couldn’t create a more popular show. Sorry, despite his high ratings Glen Beck is still an idiot and so are you.
5) You make the absolutely absurd claim that we all hate society without a shed of evidence. I don’t hate society, I just hate self-righteous dumbshits who absolutely insist that I adhere to their world view or face name-calling and persecution. Hey, that’s you!