As Climate-Change deniers continue to cite the blizzards in the northeastern US as proof that every scientist on earth is part of a liberal conspiracy against the Baby Jesus, up in Vancouver, Canada, current host of the 2010 Winter Olympics and region formerly known as the “The Great White North’ there has not been a flake all year..

With no time to move south to a more arctic region such as New Jersey, the Olympic Committee has been forced to improvise in order to save the 2010 games.

“The idea first came to me when I saw those poor saps trying to make a practice run down the rocky, barren slopes of “Iceberg Mountain,” said Count Jacques Rogge, President of the International Olympic Committee.  “It was like watching Pee Wee Herman run through a minefield with all the bodies bouncing off rocks and flopping through the air!  Incredibly, the team actually managed to cross, or rather bounce across the finish line and as they were being carted away to enjoy a lengthy stay in our free Socialized health-care system, I thought to myself, “Now there’s something that people would tune-in to watch!”

Running with this bold, new idea, Count Rogge held a midnight brainstorming session to redesign winter sports for Canada’s new balmy and snowless climate.

“First we have Ice Hockey, the Count explained.  “Since there’s no ice anymore, we decided to replace the skates with six-inch cleats and swap the hockey sticks for Scottish Claymores!”

The Count was then asked what purpose such a dangerous sport could have to which he replied, “Well, it’s the same purpose that Ice Hockey had; to watch a bunch of guys %@#$ each other up!”

Count Rogge then outlined his plans for several other events.

“The figure skating competition we simply integrated into the Gay Pride Festival since that’s where it belongs, while competitors in the Speed Skating event will now be strapped to rockets as they race towards the finish line in what is now called “The Wile E. Coyote Dash.”

When asked how competitors strapped to rockets would be able to stop, the Count said, “Oh don’t worry, the concrete wall at the end of the race will take care of that.”

Moving past the recently redesigned “Rock-Sledding Course, the Count revealed other recently redesigned mountain sports.

Here we have the Ski Jump, or as I like to call it now, ‘The Long-Distance Ground-Kiss.’  It involves placing the skier in a medieval catapult and launching them off the side of a cliff for distance!  Who says that Global Warming is unprofitable!”