As planet Earth held its breath in anticipation, Tiger Woods apologized for the recent antics of his penis.

“Like most rich and famous people, I felt that I was entitled to do whatever I wanted for the indescribably hard work of going out into the warm, summer weather and tapping a little ball into a hole for millions of dollars.” Mr. Woods announced.    “Despite my clever attempts to keep things discreet such as kissing my mistresses in public and leaving incriminating voice messages on their phones, I was unable to maintain the cover- up and now that I’ve been caught, BOY AM I SORRY!”

The estimates of the number of Tiger Woods’ mistress run from nine to seventeen or more “And we’re going to give headline news attention to every one of them!” vowed CNN spokesman Matthew Furman.  “Unlike other so-called ‘news’ agencies that cover boring things like war and economic collapse, we at CNN know that the life of every American revolves around the scandals of celebrities and thus it is our solemn duty to throw as much slop into the pig-trough as possible!”

Afterwards, Tiger Woods’ mother,  Kultida Woods had plenty to say about the recent tribulations of her son.

“I am upset at the way the media treated him, like he’s a criminal,” she said.  “After all, someone who makes more money playing a single game of golf that some people make in a lifetime shouldn’t have to be scolded for repeatedly cheating on his wife and lying to his fans.  The peasants don’t have to go through this when they cheat so why should we??!”

Meanwhile from her snakehole in Los Angeles, California, professional shrill Gloria Allred emerged, brought forth by the scent of sleaze and lawsuit money.  With leech-like precision, she quickly attached herself to one of Tiger Woods mistresses, former porn actress Veronica Siwik-Daniels

“My client is the real victim in all of this!” she cried.  “She was misled by Mr. Woods into believing that she was the only mistress in his life; how dare he cheat on the person he was cheating with!”

Ms. Allred then gathered her coils about her before continuing.

“By treating this porn actress like some kind of whore, my client is scarred for life and there is nothing that can ever change that . . . except for several million dollars, of course!”

Tiger Woods’ wife Elin Nordegren could not be reached for comment as she had sealed herself in a soundproof rocket chamber and launched herself into the farthest reaches of space where, to her dismay, the paparazzi were already waiting for her.