From Andrews Air Force Base in Maryland, President Obama delivered a Memorial Day service today to a group of veterans and their families.

“At its core, the nobility and majesty of Memorial Day can be found in the story of ordinary Americans who became extraordinary for the most simple of reasons: they loved their country so deeply, so profoundly, that they were willing to give their very lives to keep it safe and free,” the president said.  “Each day we are faced with reminders of the two wars that we have been fighting for nearly every moment of the twenty-first century and because of this, it is easy to forget everything else, but on this Memorial Day, let us take a moment to remember those who came before.”

Afterward, the president was flown to Washington DC where he planned to place a wreath at each the memorials of the four great conflicts of the twentieth century; World Wars 1 and 2, Korea and Vietnam.  Unfortunately, when it came time to honor the dead of World War 1, the President was informed that no such monument existed.

“Uhhh, come again?” the President asked.

A DC tour guide identified as Candid Brusqueman then explained that there was a small, crumbling structure tucked away in some forgotten corner of the Mall that honored the 499 District of Columbia residents who died in The Great War, but that the other 117,000 American casualties could “basically go suck it.”

“So where should I put this wreath?” asked the President.  Almost immediately, Glen Beck shouted out a garbled response about “where the sun is not shining” before he was clubbed into unconsciousness by nearby veterans who were in no mood for his ass-clown antics on Memorial Day.

Brusqueman then explained that although he couldn’t quite remember where memorial was located, he did recall that a homeless man living in the woods had once mentioned that the structure had became overgrown with weeds and was for a time, being used as a trash dump.

Frank Buckles, the last living US veteran of WW1 and at age 109, the oldest living veteran in the world recently traveled to the DC monument once a team of US Army Rangers finally located the forgotten structure, hacked a path through the dense undergrowth and pushed aside some of the trash.

“Well, I may have had to wake up screaming for the past ninety years from the memories of bodies being ripped apart and my friend’s lungs dissolving from Mustard Gas, but seeing how our nation’s capital remembers us makes it all worthwhile!”  Buckles said.  “After all, it was only the second biggest war in human history with more casualties than Korea and Vietnam combined so what’s the big deal?”

Like many young men of the so-called ‘Lost Generation’, Buckles lied about his age and joined the Army at age 16 where he served in France as an ambulance driver, transporting wounded soldiers from the front lines to makeshift Army hospitals while dodging gunfire, artillery shells and clouds of Mustard Gas.

“The politicians of my day told us that it would be fun!” Buckles explained.  “Of course they left out the part where a bunch of farm boys who had never even seen a car would suddenly be facing tanks, airplanes, chemical weapons and rail guns but at least they remembered our memorial . . . well, at least until a more interesting war came along.”

Buckles was then informed that unofficial plans have been circulating around the capital for restoring and possibly expanding the memorial.

“They’re maybe going to consider possibly making a real memorial at some undetermined time in the future?” Buckles asked.  “Wow and only a mere 96 years after the Great War began!  Congress sure moves fast!”

It’s Everybody Draw Mohammed day! Do your part in this wonderful holiday!

Former New York City Police Commissioner Bernard Kerik arrived at Cumberland Federal Penitentiary today to begin a Walk of Shame that will end in a prison cell for the next four years.

Shortly after the 911 attacks, Kerik gained national attention when he stood at Ground Zero and delivered his now famous Sermon On The Mountain of Rubble, announcing that, “Yea, I say unto thee that terrorists are bad!”

For the next decade, Kerik served both as New York City Police Commissioner and Interim Minister of Interior of Iraq under President Bush where he wandered the desert giving advice such as “keep thee an eye out for bad guys,” and “Verily my fee is expensive but did I mention that 911 was bad?”  During this time, Kerik published his personal notes as a bestselling book titled, How To Capitalize On Tragic Events To Get Away With Anything.

“But that’s when the Democrats become jealous of him,” claimed a Kerik supporter who identified herself only as ‘Mary.’  “In order to get at him, they invoked silly and obscure laws that require policemen to not commit tax fraud, not lie to government officials, not accept bribes, not engage in conspiracy, and to not disclose information under seal.  Who can remember to NOT do all that???”

On the evening before his conviction, Kerik held a Last Supper with twelve of his friends from the Bush administration.

“Verily, I am an awesome cop,” he said.  “Yet, still there are those who would persecute me for merely wiping my ass with the very laws that I would have put any of you in jail for breaking!  Understandeth they not, that “tough on crime” applyeth not to a great American hero like myself!  “Did I mention 911?.”

“Ignore them, O’ awesome one!”  replied former mayor and longtime friend, Rudy Giuliani.  “Always shall we stand by thee . . . unless it be an election year!”

At this, Kerik turned to Giuliani and said, “Nay Rudy, three times this night shall you say “Hey, I never did trust that guy!”

The next day, faced with up to 142 years in prison and $4.7 million in fines on 16 corruption charges, Bernie “Greasy Palms” Kerik managed to plead his sentence down to a mere 4 years and $221,000, yet even this was “far too much” according to Kerik.

“With great power comes great responsibility and comes great consequences,” said U.S. District Judge Stephen Robinson during the sentencing.  “You are a toxic mixture of self-minded focus and arrogance and it is an embarrassment to this nation that a person like you was ever given power to enforce the law!”

“Such injustice!” Kerik cried as Judge passed sentence.  “A day in jail for me is like a year for you mere mortals, Oh George W, why hast thou forsaken me?”

Kerik then stumbled and fell under the huge cross that he had been carrying around, upon which a young black man stepped out of the crowd to help.  Instinctively, several of Kerik NYPD friends quickly clubbed the man to the ground, planted a knife on him and falsified a report.

Kerik was then allowed to return home and set his affairs in order before returning to serve hjs time.  As he continued to lament about his unjust, vastly reduced sentence to reporters, Kerik proceeded to make his daughters watch the movie ‘Rocky Balboa.’ for the scene in which Sylvester Stallone’s character tells his son that the world can be an unfair place but one has to persevere.” Kerik explained.  “I’ve always said that the most important life-lessons come from Hollywood!”

Kerik’s wife Hala Matli then stepped up to play her own life-lesson-teaching movie; a gay porn feature titled, “Ass Pirates of the Caribbean.”

“Here’s what happens to dirty cops in prison!” she explained.

Frank Frazetta, the Grandfather of Fantasy Art who for 60 years reigned as the Icon of Inspiration for millions of fantasy and science-fiction fans worldwide has finally been called back to the halls of the gods from whence he came.

Frazetta was born amidst a raging gang war on the streets of Brooklyn, New York City on February 9, 1928.  Eyewitnesses report that upon giving birth, Frank’s mother, who was later revealed to be the Valkyrie Brynhildr stood up and seized a nearby butcher knife which she wielded two-handed as she slew three attackers before finally severing the umbilical cord.

Growing up during the Great Depression, Frazetta went to work each day on the Wheel of Pain to help support his family, while at night he practiced his drawing skills before allowing himself a few hours of sleep and repeating the cycle all over again.  At age 16, Frazetta visited the Metropolitan Museum of Art where he discovered that his father was actually Bragi, the Viking God of the Arts when the latter appeared to him by stepping out of a Mårten Eskil Winge painting and introducing himself.

Bragi revealed that Frank’s destiny was to rekindle the spirit and fire of the Old Ways when men crushed their enemies and all women had huge breasts and were not afraid to use them.  Centuries of Christian oppression followed by decades of insane Feminist rantings had criminalized sexuality and driven the testosterone out of most men leaving the world ripe for invasion by the Dark Elves and Frost Giants who watched like hawks from the edge of our world for any sign of weakness.  Realizing that the future of the human race was at stake, Frank accepted his destiny and was given a magic paintbrush made from the hair of Odin’s horse Slepnir amidst the crashing of lightning and the distant beating of war drums.

From 1944 onwards, Frazetta painted the images that Bragi revealed to him in visions and dreams, first in comic books for EC, National Comics, Avon and DC where he brought to life the characters of Buck Rogers, Flash Gordon, Shining Knight, Li’l Abner, and Alley Oop among others.

During the 60′s and 70′s, Frazetta created some of his greatest masterpieces and became the defining artist for the characters of Tarzan, John Carter, Vampirella and most of all, Conan the Barbarian.  Frazetta’s style became so iconic that it launched an entirely new medium known as ‘Frazetta Style’ that has since inspired such artists such as Boris Vallejo, Jeff Jones, Berni Wrightson, Michael Whelan and many others.

Bands such as Molly Hatchet, Nazareth and Dust quickly snatched-up Frazetta’s art for their album covers while Hollywood enlisted him to create movie posters for What’s New Pussycat, The Fearless Vampire Killers, Mad Monster Party and The Gauntlet among others.  In 1983, Frazetta created an entire feature film titled Fire and Ice which was shown only to members of a growing warrior cult that had sprung up in Franks name and clearly explained the Great Doom that was approaching our world and how to avert it.

Frazetta was plagued by a variety of health problems, including a thyroid condition that had gone untreated for many years and a series of strokes that nearly paralyzed his drawing hand.  Undeterred by mere paralysis, Frazetta simply retrained himself to draw with his left hand at age 72 before returning to work in painting and comic books, pausing only long enough to appear in a documentary titled, Frank Frazetta: Painting With Fire.

Just before his death, Frazetta looked out over a world of everything from comics books to video games and movies all replete with bold heroes and stunning maidens in fantastic settings who hunger for life while rejecting shame and meekness.  It is a world where millions of artists are inspired each day by these heroes and at the root of it all was a young boy with a magic paintbrush who refused to let the mediocrity of his times keep him down.

Frank Frazetta 1928-2010
R.I.P

After yesterday’s failed attempt by BP to use a giant coffee can to cap its ruptured pipeline in the Gulf of Mexico, the oil giant is switching to Plan B.

“At first we were thinking to put a couple of attractive-yet-brilliant scientists in a sub where they could learn to love again before blowing up the well in a daring, last-minute escape, said Doug Suttles, Chief Operating Officer for BP.  “But then we realized that all the smart people are really ugly so we scratched that idea.  Next we talked to a Professor W. E. Coyote and he revealed an even better plan to plug the oil leak up . . . wait for it . . . WITH GARBAGE!”

The plan was immediately approved by British Petroleum’s CEO Tony Hayward who ordered that old tires, safety reports, BP blowout preventers and “all the other useless junk lying around here” be rounded up for what he called a “dump-a-thon.”

“If there’s one thing we’ve got plenty of, it’s garbage!” beamed Hayward.  “Why, half those rigs are about ready to drop into the sea and the other half leak like a five-cent condom!”

When asked if he was concerned about the potentially devastating effects of the spill on the fishing industry, Hayward was quick to respond.  “Absolutely!” he exclaimed.  “If those people lose their jobs then they won’t have money to buy gas!  With a hit like that to our sales, my salary bonus might drop to . . . hmm . . . well, actually it’ll be about the same!”

BP plans to begin “Operation: Giant, Oil-Soaked Ball Of Trash” on Friday “assuming the transports don’t run aground and spill everything prematurely!” said Hayward.  “Those floating rust-buckets are in even worse shape than the oil rigs and the crew is drunk half the time so you never know where they’ll end up!”

BP was then asked why they allowed their equipment to fall into such miserable condition when they are not only morally but legally responsible to keep things up to code.

“Our good friends in the Bush Administration were kind enough to put a cap on our liability for an oil spill at 75 million dollars,” Hayward explained.  “Fixing up everything to where it worked properly would easily cost ten times that amount so you do the math!”